My nightmares are killing us
by Chantiva
Summary: Taking place after Pyramid, Mike Franks death & P2P killer causes Ziva to have flashbacks of Somalia, resulting in an emotional break down leaving her question her life & resent Tony. Tiva angst/romance
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or characters!  
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**My First Fanfic - Be gentle! But I am open to all reviews good or bad. Will be multi chapter :) ****The italics are flashbacks**

**Based after season 8 finale.**

**WARNING: May have graphic flashbacks/sexual content (Not sure yet, haven't written the next chapters)**

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><p>McGee had been staring at his computer for what felt like hours until he was interrupted by the noise of the elevator, Ziva slowly made her way to her desk looking so drained that the mere thought of taking one more step exhausted her.<p>

"Morning Ziva"

She found it hard to smile, but forced it anyway "Good Morning McGee" sitting down she immediately noticing the absence of her partner. It was eerily quiet, and had been since the P2P killer was caught. In need of a distraction Ziva began to open her drawers to find something to do. Staggering through her drawers she was confronted by the blue velvet box Ray had given her, she was surprised that disappointment was now available in such compact form. The elevator doors open interrupting Ziva's thoughts, she turned and saw and the vision of a man who was wearing her favourite pressed blue and white striped button down shirt with such perfectly fitting pants - he must have forgotten his jacket Ziva thought to herself.

"Morning Probies" Tony announced before sitting down.

Ziva couldn't help but breathe him in and be intoxicated by the subtle mix of coffee, cologne and that smell all men seem to have, it was the perfect blend. She closed her eyes and rubbed her face to try and hit back to reality "Good Morning Tony" she finally replied, hoping he did not notice the fact she was still in yesterdays make up, she looked back down to her open drawer and empty box, and left the bullpen locking herself in the ladies room.

"I am a mess," she thought while looking at her wild dark hair and what looked like suitcases under her eyes. The world felt as if it were spinning out of control, her face was on fire and her palms were soaking wet, she turned on the tap and stood motionless in front of the mirror.

_The burning face, acidic blood, and no hope. _

_Those green, green eyes._

"_You thought I was dead? Then why are you here?"_

_I am ready to die. I will die. Cold. Alone. The tear stained cheeks, scars fresh. Those cold, cold hands._

Frozen and scared she couldn't move the water started to spit out of the sink onto Ziva's clothes. The memories of Somalia had recently been flooding back since the death of Mike Franks. I should not be here, Ziva thought. Mike is dead, I am here, I was kidnapped, so many times and he is dead. Turning off the tap Ziva patted her face "This is ridiculous" she said aloud and went back to the bullpen

The team already had their gear and were heading to the elevator, following suit Ziva hurried into the elevator and stood with her back to the team, trying to hide her shaken hands and pale face.

They arrived at a dark warehouse where a lieutenant was brutally beaten and killed and had been tied to a pole. Ziva bagged and tagged, McGee took the photos and DiNozzo asked the gas tenant across the street a number of questions.

"Excuse me McGee, I am just going to check the perimeter" Ziva's head was still spinning she tried to balance herself but could feel herself slipping off the edge of the world.

"You okay?" Tony had appeared out of nowhere

Ziva stammered for the right words while trying to catch her breath, eventually she spoke "Tony… how long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to know you're only pretending to work" He smiled

"You would know what that looks like, would you not Tony?" she tried to smile, failing miserably.

Tony rolled his eyes and put away his notepad

"You never answered the question"

"I have work to do Tony, and I would suggest you do the same"

Ziva tried to walk past him before he touched her shoulder to stop her; Ziva shuddered and turned toward him as he put his other hand on her shoulder. "Ziva" he sighed. She was frozen, she wanted to so desperately run away but her feet were cemented to the ground. "Is there a point to this Tony?" she finally asked

Tony shook his head and Ziva took a step in toward him before calmly asking him to let her go.

Tony began to release his hands from her shoulders sliding them down her arms and briefly touched her sweaty hands, it took all his energy to let go of her, in that moment they were standing so close he could hear the strain in her breath. He looked down at her intently before she opened her mouth.

"Tony…"

"You're free now Ziva"

She was motionless, Tony figured he had to make the first move and stood in closer, focusing his eyes on her and then walked away, leaving Ziva standing in the heat wanting to pass out.

They had been back in the Navy Yard for some time, McGee had gone home and Gibbs was on his hourly coffee run. Ziva was trying to finish her work, but could not even begin to focus.

_Those calloused hands, her dirty skin. The barbed wire. .. Her purple ribs, his sunken electric shocks. That taunting bloody fists, those crooked teeth. Her naked __body, bitterly cold and still._

Each memory flooding back as quick as the last Ziva was hypnotized by the nightmares of her past.

"Ziva?"

Flinching at the sound of her own name, Ziva looked back to Tony.

"Yes,uh well I will see you tomorrow Tony" she gathered herself picked up her belongings and tried to look as normal as possible

"You sure you're okay?"

"Of course Tony, it is late, I should go."

Tony was suddenly standing in front of her.

"I am just tired, it has been a long day I just need some sleep" Ziva wasn't exactly lying; since Franks had died she had nothing but nightmares and sleepless nights.

Staring into her deep brown eyes that were filled with sorrow, Tony asked one more time

".okay?"

"I am fine Tony, now please move so I can go home"

Shifting from his position Ziva squeezed past him got into the elevator and breathed a sigh of relief to be out of there.

Forgetting where home even was Ziva stopped into the bar closest to her house, sitting at the bar she habitually ordered shots of tequila, until a man was standing over her

"Rough day huh?" Mike Franks sat down next to her

"I must be drunker than I thought"

"Trust me Ziva, you're drunk, but not that drunk."

"How..Why are you, with me, I do not understand?"

"Ziva, I know we weren't close, I'm just doin the rounds, why are u so troubled by this?"

"You should know since you are a "spirit" or something?"

"Ziva I am just your way of coping, I only know as much as you do"

"So you are not real?"

"I 'm as real as you need me to be"

"I, this is crazy"

"You are alive for a reason, Ziva, it was my time"

Ziva shook her head and tapped her glass for another shot

"Memories of Somalia huh?"

Ziva shrugged her face was dewy from the heat and alcohol.

"You just gonna sit there?"  
>"I am trying to figure all this out, I have done, bad, horrible things, I should not be here, why are you dead? And why am I alive? So many lives, yet I am spared?"<p>

"Ziva, you can't question that, you've been through a lot"

"I don't know what's happening to me"

Mike looked at her and took her shot of tequila

"Why has this never happened before?"

Mike got up from his chair, kissed Ziva's head and disappeared.

"Where are you going?"

"Where is who going?" Tony was approaching her

"Never mind" she responded, not surprised that Tony had followed her.

"Can I have what she's having?" the bartender served up two tequila shots

"You mind if I sit with you?" Tony asked, even though he was already sitting down.

"It is fine Tony"

"So why are you here, alone, drinking.. Talking to yourself?"

Ziva looked down at her tequila and didn't respond

"Okay we will sit here and not talk, or maybe I'll just talk or whatever" Tony said smiling

"Ziva?"

She looked terrible, pale and sweating her shallow breath.

"Yes" she finally replied

"Should I be worried?"

"No"

Tony went to rub her back before she winced and shut her eyes tight.

_He was back, the door shut loudly, staring at her licking his lips. Cold and loud, suffocating in silence._

"Hey…"

"I am sorry Tony I need to go" she finally spat the words out and finally opened her eyes

"You can't drive like this"

"No offence Tony, but I can take care of myself"

"I know, I'm still driving you home"

Tony paid the bill as Ziva stumbled toward the exit, they approached his car and he opened the door for her. Ziva insisted she was fine, Tony agreed and said it was for his piece of mind that she arrived home safe. It was dark, and Tony did not even put on the radio.

"Franks death hit you hard huh?" Tony finally said breaking the silence

"It has been hard'on everyone" Ziva slurred out, her words were running together

"I know… but you just seem, troubled, I guess"

"We are all troubled Tony"

Ziva lent her head on the window and started going in and out of consciousness Tony sighed and kept driving until pulling up to her apartment building

"Ziva" Tony said trying to wake her "we're here"

Ziva woke suddenly grabbing Tonys neck before realizing "I am sorry Tony, of course, thank you for the ride"

"Can I walk you up, I uh need to use your bathroom?"

"Very well" Ziva responded, seeing right through him.

They got out of the car, Ziva held herself looking like she was about to be sick swaying from side to side. Tony stood in front of her; she began to look up at him in the dimly lit street. He meant well she thought, but she couldn't help but just want to scream at him and tell him to leave her alone.

"Tony" she said as she exhaled "You.. you should go"

"I know, I will soon" he smiled warmly and took her hand up to his arm "Come on, let's go"

The elevator doors opened, they began taking the journey to the top before the elevator jolted, went black and stopped immediately. They were stuck in the elevator alone. Ziva sat down trying to calm herself.

_That tiny dark room. Suffocating. Breathe, breathe, breathe._

There was no signal on Tony's phone using it as a torch he began looking for the emergency phone until seeing Ziva sitting in the corner her head in her knees. He sat down next to her rubbing her back. "Hey it's going to be okay, we'll be out soon."

"Just stop talking" Ziva mumbled

"What is going on with you?"

"NOTHING!" Ziva sat upright hastily. "I don't need saving Tony! Just leave me here okay you need to just LEAVE! Never wait for me, or come after me, or wonder about me PLEASE!"

"What the hell is this all about?" Tony said trying to be calm but was so thrown off, he stood back up distancing himself.

"YOU! You are ALWAYS trying to interfere.. Do you know how many people in my life are DEAD and I'm still here!"

"That makes you a survivor Ziva! You shouldn't be resenting the fact you're alive!" Tony was yelling but couldn't stop himself "Franks was a capable man! These things… They just happen, it's tragic and horrible, but it does not make your life not worth living!"

"I can't be this person anymore, you should have left me to die!" Ziva was spitting her words as if they were venom.

"I SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU TO DIE? Oh I see it now THANK YOU!" Tony's words were coming out of his mouth faster than he could think. "Lets just turn back time shall we, and I'll leave you there and you can be tortured and I will live my life HAPPILY ON, JESUS CHRIST ZIVA!"

Ziva stood up and glared at him her jaw clenched shut they were both out of breath.

It had been years since Somalia, and somehow Frank's death prompted something inside of Ziva bringing these memories back. She was so thankful for Tony and the rescue, yet now she was resentful. They were facing each other their hearts racing fueled by anger.

"How did we get here?" Tony said exhaling

The humming of the elevator started up again and the lights turned back on. They arrived on Ziva's floor, not looking away from one another, tears welling up in Ziva's eyes. It hurt him to see her like this, it hurt him even more that she didn't value her life. He wished she wouldn't push him away. Ziva broke her gaze and shook her head, tears rolling down her face. Tony wanted to so badly to hold her in his arms and make the pain stop, he wanted to kiss her hard and show her what her life meant to him, he wanted to give her back the strength she once had before it was robbed from her. Ziva was looking down holding her head until looking back up to Tony. They had to leave the elevator but were both paralyzed.

_Those green, green eyes. His perfect face, bruised. _

Ziva inched closer to Tony, so angry with herself, so angry with him for caring. She could feel his warm breath on her, his lips started to part "Ziva" Tony finally said.

Ziva did not shift her gaze this time

"I'm leaving" Tony said, "Maybe you do need some time to yourself"

Ziva stood silently, bitter and angry their eyes meeting each other and breathing heavily. "Then you should go" Ziva said reluctantly. In that moment she realised she wanted him to stay.

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><p><strong>I would love reviews, let me know what you think! :) <strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Still don't own NCIS or their characters**

**Just wanted to say a huuuuge thank you for the positive reviews it means the world to me. I'm not really sure where I plan on going with the story yet, and it may seem a little slow. So any reviews will be great :) Thank You xx!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

Tony inched away from Ziva, removing himself from the situation, she was drunk, angry and confused and he was just angry and confused. Every ounce of his being was aching; he looked into her eyes as if trying to find a shred of hope left in her indignant soul, but her eyes were empty and there was nothing there for him. Dropping his head he was trying to search for the right blend of words "I'm worried, I really am.. You are so angry with me, and with yourself. I want to help, but I, I try and you are so adamant on just pushing me over the edge with you…I was there okay, I know, it was messed up."

He broke off remembering Somalia and the state Ziva was in, malnourished, beaten, broken; he looked to the floor, trying to fight Saleems ghost. Ziva looked at Tony "There is **nothing** here for you Tony, this is not your apartment, just go home." Ziva stepped back into the hall leaving Tony in the elevator, she was choking back her tears and fighting her anger, she stood there silently regretting every word she hissed at him.

He was unable to move, to breath, the simplest tasks were rendered impossible, his insides were screaming out for him to just do SOMETHING, and eventually the elevator doors closed and there was nothing.

Ziva wanted to stop him, to apologise, but when she opened her mouth to speak nothing came out but a scrambled mix of sounds.

_"You are nothing to your team, they will leave you, they HAVE left you"_

_"That you have always had my back"_

_"No one is coming for you"_

_"Couldn't live without you"_

Ziva blinked through her tears jamming one key after another into her door until one finally fit, she opened her door and stood in the kitchen hypnotized by what had just happened, she pushed away the person who meant the most to her. She was so angry to have survived that she was killing herself from the inside out; Tony's feelings were merely collateral. "I am a horrible human being" Ziva thought to herself.

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><p>Tony finally managed to finally press "ground" on the elevator rather than it standing idly closed on Ziva's floor. As the elevator started to move anger began to surge through him, he wasn't just angry with Ziva he was angry with himself, with NCIS, and Eli and Rivkin and Ray and SALEEM<p>

Saleem

He couldn't believe how many men had betrayed her, how many men had held her feelings hostage and tortured her, of course she was pushing him away, of course she wanted him gone, he had just figured they were past this.

_"Vengence Saleem."_

_"You should not have come"_

_Those lifeless eyes staring at him; frail and hopeless._

Tony finally released the pent up anger launching his fist into the elevator wall causing it to shake and drop slightly, he yelled and swore until the doors open exposing the calm night. _There is nothing here for you. _He stormed out, got into his car and started the engine.

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><p>"Quite a situation you got yourself into"<p>

Mike was back

"I see you are back…"

"Yes ma'am, what the hell was that?"

Ziva tried to ignore the man in her apartment

"Back to ignoring me huh.. Well I'm here to stay"

"!"

"How you gonna fix this huh?"

"THERE IS NO FIXING THIS! What is done is done!"

Ziva walked aimlessly through her apartment ignoring the fact that there was a dead man behind her.

"We all die eventually! I was sick anyways"

Zive spun around and looked at Mike

"You think you need to die to level the playin field? It's the risks you take everyday.. What happened in Mossad? You have a little break down everytime someone was killed? How many times you been taken hostage? This ain't news to you Ziva"

Ziva stared into his brown eyes and wrinkled face wondering how this ghost looked so real.

"You need to let this go….Look what you're doin to people who care about you"

"How am I ever going to let this go? I have no idea who I am!"

Ziva walked away and slammed the bathroom door, sitting against it pushing her weight as hard as she could against the door; her hands were on the cold tiles digging into the granite until her fingers started to bleed.

_That tiny room. One bucket. Chains surrounding her entire body. The blinding darkness. Those haunting footsteps._

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><p>Tony was well aware he was over the speed limit but he didn't care, he couldn't focus on anything but the words she carelessly threw at him, it's as if he should have seen it coming to be ready to catch them and throw them away as if they were nothing.<p>

_"You should have left me to die!"_

Tony was so angry, so hurt and so helpless, he couldn't help but shake the overwhelming sense of guilt that washed over him like a black wave. "I shouldn't have left her" he thought to himself. There was nothing he could do but to keep driving home.

_"I guess she'll call when she's ready"_

Out of nowhere Tony turned his car around his car screaming through the silent streets. He couldn't fathom what he was doing, or why. Ziva didn't want him there she needed him there, he needed him there, Tony was lost in a haze of fury and overwhelming hurt that he almost drove past Ziva's apartment building.

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><p>Ziva was laying on her bathroom floor, reliving each memory of Saleem, one more painful than the other. She peeled herself from the ground turned on the taps and managed to undress herself and crawl into the shower feeling the water pelt down onto her naked body.<p>

_His cold, cold hands. His cold, cold eyes. _

Ziva traced each scar on her body left from the torture she had endured, each telling it's own story.

_Her clothes torn off. His sullen stare. The way she screamed anticipating the pain hoping she would just wake up from this nightmare or collapse from the pain._

She swore she could feel him there with her, hissing her name and imbedding his fingertips onto her skin. She breathed in the hot air feeling it turn to steam in her lungs drowning her in her thoughts.

_Her vehement screams echoing through her cell as she was held down and gagged with petrol soaked rags, feeling him, smelling him, choking on her vomit._

Lathered in soap Ziva was trying to wash away the memories, scrubbing her skin with her bleeding hands, losing herself more and more with each haunting recollection, looking around for relief but only seeing Saleems face splashed on her walls.

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><p>Tony was in the lobby waiting and waiting and waiting for the elevator to arrive until he couldn't take it anymore; he searched until he found the fire exit, and located the stairwell. He pulled the door back and began climbing the flights of stairs not feeling the pain surging though his legs, there was no ventilation, sweat dripped down his back, his hands were so wet that it was pointless holding onto the hand rail. He fought and fought his trembling legs and aching heart, wiping his pouring sweat onto his shirt remembering Ziva's shattered body and hollow eyes and all the things she said to him.<p>

Tony took the final step and crashed through the door t, the air conditioning hit him so hard he forgot to breathe; he paced himself, hands slippery, and shirt dripping. He reached her door, the door he'd seen so many times before but had never felt this sick to his stomach knocking on it. He raised hand and knocked three times.

Nothing.

He waited a couple of minutes, and knocked again.

Still nothing.

Before his rational mind could intercept he started pounding the wooden door "Ziva! It's Tony! Look, I'm sorry, I dunno..But just talk to me please!"

Nothing

His frantic mind started jumping to conclusions, pounding his hard fist against the door screaming her name, not even thinking to pick the lock he stood back and crashed it down. Standing in what appeared to be an empty apartment he looked around, seeing her bag on the couch and belongings scattered on the floor. It wasn't until he heard the sound of water he realised she was in the shower, and she was safe, she wasn't being taken away, and she hadn't run away or given up. He breathed a sigh of relief and heard the shower stop he sat on the couch and rubbed the back of his head and waited and waited, it felt like it had been hours, but only mere minutes had passed.

Ziva was wrapped in her towel back to sitting on the ground, she knew she had to move eventually, but she sat there numb and longed for the days when Saleem did not even exist to her. But he existed in every possible way, and in case she ever forgot he marked her body up and down, scarring her, reminding her every day of his evil face.

Ziva stood up slowly pressing her body against the wall, her hair sticking to her body, avoiding the mirror at all costs she turned around to open the door and slowly walked out of the foggy room, about to head to her bedroom she sensed she was not alone "Mike" she thought "How long until you leave me alone for good?"

"What? Is that what you want?" Tony responded

"Tony? What are you doing here?" Ziva clenched the towel to her naked body feeling more vulnerable than before.

Tony stood and walked toward Ziva "I shouldn't have left you tonight".

She looked up at Tony this man was a mess; she could smell his pain and sweat her head was spinning.

Tony realised that it was the first time since Somalia he had seen her look so fragile, he towered over her small frame trying to find the right words to fill the silence.

"We need to fix this Ziva"

"There is no fixing Tony… It is beyond that" Ziva looked down wishing that it were that simple, she was tired of these easy words for such a complex situation.

Tony looked at clock realizing they had to be back at the Navy Yard in just five hours.

"Do you mind if I use the bathroom"

Ziva shook her head, Tony stepped in closer cupping her face with his hand taking in her sorrow, trying to make it hurt less "I'm so sorry" he said before walking down the hall unlocking his phone and dialing Gibbs' number.

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><p><strong>Let me know what you think :)<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: Still don't own NCIS or characters**

**WARNING: Language**

**Thank you all again for positive reviews. This chapter is a little bit shorter, and it's still running a little slow. Let me know what you think! I wrote this in 2 hours so may be a little rough, I wanted to get a bit more of Tiva out there :) hopefully you enjoy**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

Ziva sat herself down on the couch, wondering why she had to be so fucked up, wondering why she couldn't accept the fact that this man wanted to help her and wondered why he couldn't accept that she was beyond help. She swore she could hear Tony's voice, but figured it was probably another voice inside of her head, accepting the fact that she was losing her mind and will probably not find it ever again. She didn't realize that if Tony were speaking to her he would come up close to her, touch her warmly and look into her eyes, and speak slowly and softly to make sure she didn't fall into a million little pieces.

"This better be good DiNozzo" The silver haired marine picked up the phone

"Hey boss, I'm really sorry, it's Ziva… She's… "

"Spit it out DiNozzo"

"She's not herself, Somalia.. All these things have caught up with her I'm at her apartment now, it's like she hates that she has lived through so much, she just wants to be left alone"

"Ohh Ziva… Don't come in tomorrow DiNozzo, stay with her.. What's she doing at the moment?"

Tony looked out into the living room and saw Ziva staring blankly at a blank television screen

"She's just staring at a blank TV screen"

"Can you handle this?"

"Of course" he heard himself lie

"If anything changes, in the slightest call me.. I will take over tomorrow night for you so you can get some sleep okay"

"Thanks Boss"

Tony walked back out to the living room and looked at Ziva "Are you hungry?"

"No" she didn't even look at him, didn't even blink.

Tony sat down beside her and put his hand on her knee.

"We're going to get through this okay Zee, no matter what"

Ziva said nothing, the words repeated in her head "_no matter what" _what does that even mean? She unfolded her arms and saw the blood still trickling out of her cuticles and knuckles; Tony touched her hands and said nothing before getting up and retrieving the first aid kit. He silently dabbed them with antiseptic, and wrapped small cloth around her hands to stop the bleeding, he just sat there, his hands holding onto the make do bandage.

"When I saw you, in Somalia" Ziva started to say "I had given up, I did not understand, I still do not understand.. Why someone would risk so much. I am sorry Tony, I am sorry for how I have treated you, and what you have felt obliged to do"

"Ziva… My days without you ran together into blur, I was selfish, I wasn't saving you for you, I was saving you for me."

Ziva fought within herself to not protect her feelings, to not get angry and kick him out, to accept that he cared. The silence flooded the room and Ziva looked down at this mans hands that were holding onto hers, as if without him holding her together she would split open and bleed out.

"Tony" Ziva breathed in "You could have been killed"

"I know… What was I meant to do? I had no choice I wanted to kill this bastard for what he had done to you. I thought you were already dead, I couldn't let that go. And then there you were, sitting in front of me, broken, but alive. And everything, everything was worth it, my purpose shifted to keeping you alive."

Ziva's eyes welled up, and tears began to fall she had not realised she was crying again

"On our way home, you were in and out of consciousness, you were on oxygen and hooked up to so many machines, I was praying to God that you would make it." … "You wouldn't stop screaming, but it was the silence that followed that scared me the most."

Ziva did not recall any of this; all she remembered was waking up in DC.

"And then, when you were kidnapped by Cobb, I just… I didn't want to be _that _guy…But all of these Somalia induced reactions came creeping back, you're not crazy to be reacting this way, is what I'm trying to say I guess"

Ziva looked up at Tony, he had no idea what it meant to her to hear she was reacting like any human being would, she wished she were better with words. She wanted to dive into his green eyes, swim through to his soul and find a spot in his heart to take refuge, until finding the strength to rebuild what she had so carelessly broken. Apologies were an insult, and gratitude was already evident, she could do nothing but sit there and look at this man, this man who is the silent victim, who gives so much and receives so little.

"I do not know what to say" Ziva regretted saying something so meaningless, but she spoke the truth. What was there to say?

"You don't have to say anything Zee…"

Ziva rested her head on his shoulder, tears still escaping her falling onto his still damp shirt, he put his arm around her and kissed her head and left his face buried in her hair breathing her in and hoping with each breath she would hurt less.

"Tony?" she mouthed, barely audible

"Yeah?"

Ziva paused, and unwrapped her hands from the cloth he had so carefully wrapped, the bleeding had stopped, she looked at her hands until interlacing her fingers with Tony's. Tony sat there, holding her in silence not knowing who or what she wanted him to be, but hoping who he was, was enough for her. Ziva eventually unwrapped her hand from his, moved closer to face him and looked at him, placing her hand on his pounding heart, feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath. She looked into is green eyes, and the creases on his forehead that were filled with concern, she listened to his breath and felt the warmth wash over her. Tony was dripping into her soul, slowly but surely until her whole being was filled, there was nothing left she thought "there is only you" she wanted to say, but she kept her mouth tightly closed to make sure such thoughts were kept to herself, to make sure she didn't drown.

"Ziva" Tony said exhaling leaning his forehead against hers

She looked at him with soft brown eyes, knowing it was wrong to want a man who was here to comfort her, knowing it was wrong to want a man when she was with another, but he was undeniable and he had robbed her of any rational ability she had left.

Tony looked at Ziva their foreheads still touching "You should get some rest.." his mouth so close his words grazed her lips.

Ziva didn't speak, she looked into his eyes searching for truth, and looking back to his mouth.

"Ziva, please" he managed to finally say, Tony wanted to so badly take her in his arms and feel the warmth of her body against his, but knew it was wrong, she was in such a fragile state and she would regret it, he thought. He moved his head slightly, his nose colliding with hers.

"Tony, I will get some rest" She lied. And with every word that escaped her, her mouth would touch his, with every breath she breathed she let it flow into his lungs.

Tony could not look away; this was Ziva he thought, the only one I want to know, who is angry and emotionally charged. This was Ziva who belonged to someone else. He wanted her to turn away, to be angry or rude but to just stop looking at him, he was fearful of her eyes and afraid of his own heart. I am not strong enough to move he thought.

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><p><strong>Reviews :)<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: Still Don't own NCIS or Characters**

**WARNING: Sexual content**

**Thanks everyone for your positive reviews! Here is the fourth chapter. There is a sex scene, please bare with me through it, being a first time writer I never realised how hard it was to describe sex and the passion/feelings with it. So I'm sorry if it's a bit so-so :) ENJOY**

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><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

The whole world had stopped turning and all there was this man and this woman existing within the means of four walls, sharing each other's fear and trepidation. It wasn't quite real, mere hours ago ugly words were burnt into their soul, crawling the walls to find a way to escape. But there they were: Tony and Ziva, transfixed on each other unable to move or speak.

Her hands softened and fingertips trailed from his chest to his ribs until finally landing on his leg. She finally broke her gaze and he held his, he placed his hand on her head smoothing down her untamed hair until pulling her in and kissing her forehead.

"You're beautiful," he said under his breath

She looked up at him with pools of sorrow in her eyes, and he just couldn't stand it; there she was in his very hands the strongest woman he would ever know and yet she was reduced to few words and tear stained clothes.

Her fingers pressed into his knee so hard he could see her fingertips turning white; he clutched her hair in agony unable to differentiate between the physical and the emotional pain. "I am here Ziva" he said

Ziva nodded while closing her eyes feeling the comfort of his hand find hers, they stayed like this until Ziva started to feel her eyes become heavier and heavier and could no longer pretend she was not tired. Tony remained silent and pulled her dead weight from the couch as he took her exhausted body to her bedroom "I think it's time you slept David" he said with a small smile

"Yes, but…what about you?" she finally forced out

"Well I can leave if you want me to, or I can sleep on the couch if you'd prefer?"

"You should stay, it is late.. You cannot stay on that couch though it is not as if we have never shared a bed" Ziva said standing close to him

"Okay" Tony smiled

He began to unbutton his shirt to get ready for bed, as Ziva quietly remained standing in front of him. He was larger than life Ziva thought to herself, afraid that if she moved she would touch him and give in to her impulses. Tony opened his arms slightly before cupping her face with both hands "You need to sleep my little ninja"

Ziva smiled for what felt like the first time in months, she stood on the balls of her feet and kissed Tony "Good night then Tony"

As she started to plant her feet back on the ground Tony put his arms around her, she could feel her skin pressed up against his bare torso, she pushed her forehead against his chest and felt the heat radiate from his body. Ziva looked back up at Tony and in the dimly lit room he kissed her mouth softly, remaining there for a cautious moment until she pulled him in closer surrendering herself into his mouth and feeling the warmth of his tongue massage over her. Tony had never been so breath taken by one single kiss, he lifted her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist, they kissed wildly, passionately and softly, it was not riddled with the anger of before, it was love and hope and relief. She tasted so sweet; he did not need air for this was how he wanted to live. Tony gradually lowered Ziva onto the bed kneeling in between her, she moaned pulling him closer to her body, her hands ran through his hair down to his back clawing into it a little more with each kiss. Ziva rolled on top of Tony, beads of sweat running down her chest, she eventually removed her shirt and pressed her bare breasts against him, shaken breaths escaping them with each fleeting moment. Tony held her close trying to take her in as much as he could incase he woke up and realised it was all a dream, he felt her hands moving down undoing his belt and pants he could feel himself growing against her "Ziva" he panted panted "Are you sure about this?" he looked up at her

"This is all I am sure of" she said breathing heavily into his mouth as he groaned. She could not wait much longer years of pent up desire filled her body that she began to shake.

Tony's pants came off and before time move forward his hands were already clasped onto Ziva's shorts removing them as quickly and as gently as he could, underwear followed and was tossed into the corner of the room, their naked bodies were pressed against each other so tight neither of them were able to move or breathe. They shared their breath and sweat, she moved up against him kissing his neck as he traced the lines of her stomach down to the inside of her thighs exploring her body so gently, he eventually pulled her in closer to him entering her completely with a slow passionate thrust, she buried her face into him while digging her nails into his back, they both let out soft moans through shallow breath. Ziva's stomach knotted and became tense she could not remember sex feeling like this, she felt his arms wrap around her tightly with each thrust becoming faster than the last, gaining more and more intensity.

"Oh Tony" she moaned her breath was caught in her throat, she pushed herself against him as he groaned her name and grabbed her harder, she bit his shoulder as he let out a series of shallow groans.

"Tony, I,.." She tried to speak but the words were stuck in her mouth as she felt her muscles stiffen around him, her body released and climaxed, it was then that she felt Tony release himself filling her, the air was thick as he moaned her name.

He felt her collapse onto his chest as he lay back onto the mattress, both trying to catch their breath feeling their hearts pound against each other in the heated room. He stayed inside of her not wanting to break away, he eventually pulled himself out and she rolled off of him, both collapsed on their back staring at the ceiling rising and falling with each breath.

Tony's mind began to race thinking of Ray, Rule #12, what was Ziva thinking, he looked over to her and let out a small smile. Ziva furrowed her eyebrows "Are you okay Tony?"

"Yeah, of course.. Are you?"

"Yes, I am fine Tony"

Where did he go from here, what was he meant to say. Was this a one-time thing? Tony heard his phone ring; he got up and rummaged through his pants that were on the floor.

"Hey Boss" he answered trying to sound as normal as possible

"How is she?"

"She's okay, she's calmed down"

Ziva looked at him with confusion.

"I'm close by so I can come and relieve so you can sleep" Gibbs responded

"Oh, that's okay I had started to fall asleep, I'll be in tomorrow I'll see you then"

"DiNozzo!"

"All good boss, see you tomorrow"

He quickly hung up the phone and took a deep breath this was trouble he thought to himself.

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><p><strong>Reviews :) Hope you all enjoyed!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: Still don't own NCIS or their characters**

**Thanks for all the positive reviews guys. I really struggled with this chapter, I had sooo many writers blocks. Hopefully you enjoy!**

**Thanks again :) Please continue to review!**

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><p>The sound of tear filled shallow breath filled the still night waking a man whose heart wanted to break. He looked over and saw his fallen partner curled into the fetal position with her arms pulled over her head shielding herself from the ghosts of her past. He called out to her and told her she was safe, but all he could hear were one-syllable words sputtering out of her "please, no, stop" the words only being separated by a hyperventilating breath. He called to her again until reaching for her shoulder, he felt her wince as if his hands were hydrochloric acid burning through her skin. He got up out of the bed and made his way to the bathroom running a washcloth under cool water, wringing it out and returning by her side placing it on her forehead. He repeated to her that she was safe, she was in America, and he would never leave her over and over again until her breath calmed and she rolled over to continue to sleep.<p>

The morning light crept through the blinds as the alarm sounded, Tony rolled over and hit the beeping clock into silence. He rubbed his eyes and saw the mess of hair and bare skin lying next to him. It was hard to believe that mere hours ago they were rolling in the very sheets he was laying in, the scratches she left behind were the only reminder of such passion. Ziva forced her eyes to open and looked over to the man who was laying next to her, the sunlight danced across his bare chest illuminating each crevice within his body, she smiled, he smiled and neither spoke a word. Tony stood up and announced he was getting his spare clothes from his car, as he left the apartment Ziva laid there hypnotized by the night's activity. She questioned every move she had made, every move she had not made, before giving up on her thoughts and having a shower, she was ready by the time Tony returned. She watched him rush through the door, he noticed her immediately.

"Sorry I couldn't find my bag, and then I remembered it was in the trunk.. And uh yeah, I'm just going to quickly grab a shower and then we'll go?"

Ziva was trying to catch up to the words he had spoken so quickly "yes, that is fine Tony. Could you drop me back at the bar, my car is still there?"

"Oh sure no problem, I forgot about that"

The tension was evident, the unspoken questions revolving around how to act, what to do and what to say floated through the space between them.

Ziva didn't know how to do the morning after, most of her sexual encounters comprised of already evolved relationships, one night stands or gaining information from suspects. This was new ground, she had always loved Tony but she never intended to complicate an already complex relationship. She stood there trying to organize her thoughts until she heard the bathroom door open again, watching him walk out whilst doing up his fresh shirt and tie. He awkwardly smiled at her, she nodded at him unable to do anything else but stand there dumbfounded.

"You ready?"

Ziva nodded again and they entered the elevator, uncomfortably standing side by side as the silence pierced the air.

_Standing in the elevator with the three strongest men she had come to know and love._

_Standing in the elevator hoping no one could see her scars. Standing in the elevator hoping no one could the pools of salt water welling in her eyes… _

_Standing in the elevator, __**actually**__ standing, alive and breathing._

"_Just another day at the office" his voice echoed through her_

"Are you coming Ziva?" Tony looked at her wondering why she was just standing in the opened elevator, he jingled his keys, as she left and walked to his car opening the door, sitting in the seat where she had drunkenly passed out the night before.

_The night before… _ _With_ _his tender kiss, soft touch and safe arms_

Ziva felt the car come to a halt, she saw her car sitting in the parking lot alone, she smiled and thanked Tony not knowing how to say goodbye.

"I will see you at work then Tony…"

"Okay" he feigned a smile

"Okay…." She looked down and then proceeded to step out of the car

"Ziva?"

"Yes?"

She was already out of the car, and bobbed her head back into the door

"Never mind, I'll see you at work kay?" His mind was screaming at him.

She shut the door and preceded the short walk to her car, got in, started the engine and made her way to the Navy Yard.

As Ziva arrived, she stepped into the bullpen to see Tony talking discretely to Gibbs she pretended not to notice and sat at her desk turning on her computer and putting her things away. As she opened her drawer she was confronted again by the small blue _empty _box, and instead of feeling anger she felt guilt, she had not heard from Ray in some time, which was no surprise. He was away and they were together despite empty boxes and forced promises she still owed him her loyalty, she still owed him something more than spending the night with another man. In spite of it all they were meant to be committed to each other.

"So she's doing better DiNozzo?"

"She seems to be boss"

"But?"

"It's going to take some time, but she talked to me"

_Her big brown eyes seducing him, her full mouth moaning his name, her nails clawing into him_

"Okay, well I'll keep an eye on her."

"Thanks Boss, so will I"

"Hey… Thanks"

Tony nodded in surprise of hearing such words from his boss's mouth and fled to his desk. Gibbs had a way of knowing what you were thinking, knowing what you were doing and knowing what you had already done, it was an annoying trait he had, but for the mean time Tony had managed to fly under the radar.

"Oh and DiNozzo?" The silver haired man called

Tony automatically thought the worst; he turned around trying to look casual

"Ah yeah boss?"

"Bring this down to Abby" he said handing him the cup of caf pow

Tony smiled with a sense of relief took the caf pow and headed to Abby's lab.

He stood in the door way and walked over to Abby with the caf pow

"Tony you're not supposed to be here, I haven't got anything yet."

"Maybe this will help?" he said handing her the drink

"Thanks Tony…"

"Sure.." Tony stood there tapping his fingers on the table

"You okay there? You seem a bit…. weird"

"Weird?"

"Yeah… Like all…. Confused…kind of disheveled… or something…" she moved toward him squinting at him searching for answers

"Disheveled!" Tony straightened his tie, and tried to fix his hair.

"Yes…what's going on?"

"Nuh…Nothing is going on I don't know what you're talking about Abs" Tony nervously laughed and brushed his shoulders.

"Uh Huh… I'm not an idiot Tony… Is it Gibbs?"

"No. It's not anything.. You should really get back to work woman, before Gibbs comes down"

"I can multi task.. Now talk"

"Weird weather we're having huh?" Tony said failing to change the subject

"Okay, so it's not Gibbs, it can't be McGee…..Which can only really leave…Ziva!"

"Ziva has nothing to do with this" Tony started to pace up and down the lab while laughing uncomfortably

"It is SO Ziva!" Abby said with a big smile.

"What is SO Ziva" Ziva walked into Abby's lab perplexed and clearly uncomfortable.

Tony turned around and stared at the brunette beauty standing there waiting for an answer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Still don't own NCIS or characters**

**THANK YOU SOO MUCH FOR YOUR POSITIVE REVIEWS! Sorry for the delay, i'm back at uni and it's taking up too much time :(**

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter, i'm in two minds where I want it to go, so still unsure :) Please leave more reviews 3**

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><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

She slowly walked in, pacing herself as though she couldn't care less about the fact that her name was mentioned, no not mentioned EXAGGERATED.. Ziva continued to tell herself that it did not matter, and it did not matter that Abby was grinning from ear to ear, and it certainly did not matter that Tony's eyes were darting from wall to wall searching for an invisible exit.

Finally Tony broke the silence

"That.. That…. This killer left no tracks you know…." He looked to Abby who shrugged her shoulders

Ziva stood there, raising her eyebrows as if to say, "Please go on" but she said nothing, waiting for him to dig himself a little deeper.

"Annnd because you're an assassin…I mean WERE an assassin, because you're not anymore..But because you were trained.. And you were trained to not leave any tracks, when…killing someone…So you know, _that_, is SO Ziva" He was stumbling on his own words and nervously laughing.

Abby's eyes widened and nodded her head smiling.

"Uh huh…." Ziva finally said

"What ah….What're you doing here anyway?" Tony asked

"Ducky asked me to give this to Abby" She held up a small canister containing woodchips

"Oh! Thanks Ziva" Abby hurried over and took the canister.

It had been silent for more than 30 seconds, and it became impossibly quiet even with Abby's music ringing in their ears.

"Sooooo" Tony interrupted the silence for the sake of noise.

"I should get back" Tony and Ziva spoke in unison

"I mean I should get back after I've finished getting updates from Abby" Tony said, trying to avoid the inevitable awkward confrontation. He didn't want to avoid her, but his fight or flight instincts were yelling FLIGHT

Ziva nodded her head and spun around on her heels and waited for the elevator, once she left Tony turned to leave.

"Not so fast" Abby said

"Sorry Abs I gotta go, Gibbs told me not to be long"

"And what about these updates?"

"You don't have any updates?"

"Not according to Ziva… What's with the lies Tony?"

"What lies? I wasn't lying.. I just.. Look, we'll talk later okay?"

"Later? Tony c'mon!"

"It's nothing okay!"

Tony was already out the door and taking the stairs back to the bullpen each step heavier than the last, he finally reached his desk, sat down and let out a sigh looking up and seeing the empty chair opposite him.

"Whatta we go?" Gibbs walked in, McGee flew out of his chair and Tony tried to organize his thoughts but before he could even prepare McGee had taken charge turning on the LCD screen and going through a series of slides, highlighting inconsistencies and potential suspects. One suspect in particular stood out from the rest: Rashan Tanuti, he was a security guard for a bank and had several encounters with the dead Lieutenant Stephen McGill.

"Well bring him in." Gibbs said, as if he were stating the obvious

"On it boss" McGee responded

Ziva had lost herself somewhere between the shared breaths and the uttered words with Tony. She wasn't ready to confront the situation but knew she needed to; she finally approached the bullpen where McGee and Tony were gearing up.

"What is going on?" she said

"We gotta go get this Tanuti guy that looks like a probable suspect" McGee responded

"Oh" She avoided Tony, pretending he wasn't there

"Yep! So we're going now, bye Zee-vah" Tony said abruptly.

"Actually take her with you" Gibbs interrupted

Ziva nodded and Tony exhaled so loudly it caused McGee to look up at him

Tony walked away and pressed the elevator button.

To say the car ride was awkward would be an understatement, Tony opted to drive while McGee fumbled and Ziva sat in silence.

"Did you know that Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in Chile?" McGee said trying to break the silence. Ziva didn't look up and Tony grunted, "Hah.. What an odd place"

"I guess so yeah" McGee said confused

"Chile is beautiful" Ziva finally chimed in

"Yes, but aspects like the desert are just…. Odd…Like isolated.." he looked at her in the rear view mirror

"Isolated Tony? Really?" Ziva glared at him.

McGee was watching the pair bicker his eyes darting from one to the other like a tennis match

Silence echoed throughout the car again

"Soooo have you heard much from Ray, Ziva?" McGee tried to lighten the mood

Tony cleared his throat and loosened his tie and waited for the answer.

"No, I have not…"

"Well hopefully soon then hey, can't be easy for you"

Ziva forced a smile and nodded her head.

Once arriving at the bank, they questioned a few workers and eventually located Rashan, they brought him back to the Navy Yard, the car ride a little more bearable than the last. They parked the car and lead him up to the interrogation room and Ziva went to watch in observation, it was nice to finally have a moment she thought to herself before being interrupted when the door flew open. There he stood with sea green eyes; fighting her thoughts, fighting temptation, fighting desire Ziva looked at him.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were here" Tony said

"It is fine Tony, really"

He walked in and they stood side by side as the suspect waited for someone to come.

"You think he did it?" Tony asked

"I do not know yet"

_It was a Tuesday in the fall, the leaves were scattered around the path when she walked to find him leaning against the fence looking a little pensive, a little hurt and a little more human than usual. She did not know why he was there, or why he was sad but she stood next to him and he wrapped his arm around her. So they stood in silence until it was dark and until the cool air seeped through their clothes and forced them to go their separate ways. _

They'd never spoken about that night and it was scary to think that this would happen again. Ziva and Tony stood there thoughts racing through the air at 1000 miles per hour, this was so much more than one night of passion, this was years of ignored affection, this was a lifetime of jealousy. It was Jeanne, Ray and EJ; it was longing looks and hurt felt words – this wasn't _just_ hidden feelings, it was the cracks in the pavement they walked every day, it was the very air they breathed and now it was compromised, years of built up walls to be torn down and there was no turning back. How can you come back from that, how can you just carry on as if nothing happened? And how can you keep going when there is no path laid just an ocean so deep that if you stepped any further you would drown.

Tony and Ziva remained still, staring into interrogation, their hands briefly grazing against each other.

"Tony?"

"Yeah?"

"I am …. Lost" Ziva said searching her brain for the right words.

"Me too Ziva"

Ziva took a deep breath and found herself trying to swallow down the lump that had formed in her throat, she knew she had been careless and hurtful and had no idea what to do. Ray was nice she told herself, he was nice and caring and he loved her, they had plans and promises, and here she was standing in a room where she had stood so many times before trying to fight the ghosts of her past and the demons of her future. She had someone, she had Ray, but here was Tony, oh Tony, here was this man who took her breath away with every word he spoke, and every move he made, the way he would look up at her from his desk to make sure she was still there, the way he was just _him. _Tony was not her type, and she was not Tony's and it could never work she thought to herself, there were rules and there were boundaries she never dreamed of crossing. And just as she thought she had convinced herself she felt Tony's hand brush against hers and gently interlace his fingers with hers, she could feel her heart race and she held on to his hand as if she were falling, hoping that his strength would bleed into her palm and pump through her veins.

There they stood in a silent but comforting moment - nothing was okay and everything was a mess, but for now the world was still.

The door opened and he dropped her hand like it was a hot coal, Ziva's heart sunk and he left and it was as if nothing had ever happened.

"You okay Ziva?" Mcgee's familiar voice sounded

"Of course McGee"

She wanted to leave but she was cemented to the ground looking at her hand wondering if she had imagined the whole thing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Still don't own NCIS**

**Wow I am sooo sorry it has been actual months since I last updated, I had a few personal things happen so I was really unable to update. Buuut here is my attempt, it's moving a bit slowly. I hope it's okay though it has been a while since I have written.**

**Thank you again for your wonderful reviews though 3**

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><p>It was 1800 and time was escaping them; they had nothing, nothing on Dunati or anyone else for that matter, there was nothing and Gibbs was pissed. He didn't need to tell them to stay all night; it was second nature that their weary eyes and empty stomachs would have to hold out until morning.<p>

Gibbs has realised the predicament he had put Ziva in, it was only the day before in which he was told that her past had caught up with her and dragged her by the ankles kicking and screaming back to Somalia, in spite of her fragile state he figured that she was better staying put and keeping her focused. He walked passed her stealing a look trying to gauge her emotional state; she had instantly caught his gaze and forced a trembling smile whilst nodding her head as her soft curls fell in front of her face. Gibbs walked close to her and kissed the top of her head.

"We're here Ziva, if you've had enough, go home"

His tender words seeped through her skin and travelled through her veins, she could feel his strength in her, and she shook her head as she knew that this was the place she needed to be, Gibbs looked at her and nodded

"Okay, back to it" The silver haired man said, and paced up and down the bullpen

Tony tried not to notice but he couldn't help but see her quivering smile and couldn't help but feel slightly responsible, it was in that moment he realised just how self absorbed he was being; she was trapped within the depths of a fractured fairytale where princesses were tortured and sunsets were sand storms, there was no happy ending. She had years of training behind her, years of cover-ups, secret agendas and haunting memories, she was a trained liar, and it was her job to pretend to be strong. It was easy to forget the things she had endured, it was easy to forget that all that was holding her together were the clothes she was wearing, but if you squinted just so you could see the cracks of where her soul started to bleed out.

"_YOU PUT A BULLET IN HIS CHEST!"_

Tony shook his head trying to erase the anguish.

"_You loved him?"_

"_I guess I'll never know"_

Ziva's eyes glanced up at Tony, he held her gaze and lost himself in her all over again  
>"We got anything on those old Navy records?" Gibbs interrupted<p>

"HEY DiNozzo! This ain't a tea party! Whatta ya got?"

"OH um sorry boss, I was just uh making sure I had everything.. Yeah, we got nothing still….But we will…Soon"

As Gibbs stared at Tony he heard Tony's stomach growl

"Go, go get something to eat, come back and start again!"

"Ziva go check on Abby, see if she's awake"

Tony stood up from his desk and approached the elevator before hearing faint footsteps behind him.

"I need to see Abby" Ziva said before he had a chance to speak, they had not spoken since observation.

Tony shrugged as the steel doors opened and they stepped into the elevator, the air was thick, and Ziva played with a loose thread on her shirt while trying to ignore the presence of a man whom had saved her in more ways than one. Tony opened his mouth to speak but no words would surface, and before he could try again the elevator dinged and opened at Abby's Lab.

"Ziva" He finally managed to say

She turned her head and looked at him, waiting for what followed, oblivious to the elevator doors opening and ignoring Abby who was looking on, Tony shuffled his feet and eventually looked up while scratching the back of his head.

"Uh Sorry Abs, just wanted to know if you wanted food?"

"Uhh…No? I'm okay…Thanks…Tony?" She waved her CafPow and overtly threw her arms in the air as if to say "What the hell are you doing?"

Tony hit a button and the doors closed and silence filled the small compartment once more, Ziva reached in front of him and flicked the emergency switch.

"What did you want to say?"

"Whatta ya mean?"

"You said: "Ziva?" then proceeded to lie to Abby, and then closed the doors?"

"Oh, just if you wanted food or anything? I don't think anywhere good would do take out, but I'm sure we could get pizza or something for the team.. Hmm what toppings? I've always been a pepperoni guy myself "

Ziva looked at Tony and sighed and proceeded to flick the elevator back on, she shut her eyes down and considered going home in the hope that she would wake up no longer in an ocean of pain and regret, her thoughts were interrupted when the elevator came to a halt, she opened her eyes to see Tony facing her in the dimply lit space.

"All I wanted to say, was just to ask how you were coping.. With the flashbacks and everything? But I didn't want to pry, that's all." She looked up at him, her vision felt detached and unfocused.

"Ziva?" he prompted, his voice filled with remorse

"I am okay, Tony.. " She heard herself lie, but it momentarily soothed her to hear the words "I am okay" even though the harsh reality was painted all over her partners face.

Tony studied her silently, unsure whether to hold her or to pretend he believed her, he tilted his head choosing his words carefully:

"Ziva… I want to help you"

Ziva tried to ignore the close attention which she had craved earlier, she did not like being the focus of his attention now, she bowed her head hoping he could not see her flaws. He squinted his eyes trying to focus as she hesitantly looked back up toward him; she opened her mouth to speak and hesitated again knowing the consequences of opening her heart and quickly shut her mouth resuming the uncomfortable silence.

Tony took a step closer and put his arms around her, she remained still and was unable to fathom how they had gotten here, she tried to resist him but couldn't help but breathe her partner in and let herself go, resting her weary head on his chest. Tony could feel the heat of her breath through his shirt as he bowed his head and buried it into her hair; he hated himself for confusing her and for complicating her life more than it already was.

"I'm sorry, Ziva"

She lifted her head and looked at him as he tilted his face down to hers, she could see the conflict in his emerald green eyes, she knew that he was sorry, and so was she, but it was too late for apologies and she was mostly sorry for not being sorry enough. His eyes glistened and he put his hand against her neck, his fingers gently moving to her loose curls and tucked them behind her ear, he looked at her lips and back up to her deep chocolate eyes feeling his heartbeat increase with each second. He looked back down to her lips, lifted her chin and compressed his lips to hers, he had intended to pull away but as he kissed her she opened her mouth slightly so her lips were engaging his, her mouth gradually opened and she tasted him with every fleeting moment, her heart began to pound through her chest and she could no longer feel her feet. Their bodies crashed into each other as they shared each other's desperation, it hurt to want someone this much

"Ziva" he panted into her mouth, she tilted her head back and made a failed attempt to pull away from him

"I know" Ziva finally managed to say "I am no good" she mumbled as she trembled against him "this is no good, Tony" he held her tighter and didn't say a word, he hated himself for loving her and he hated that he knew better.

"I….I am sorry" her voice cracked and this time she really was, she never wanted to hurt or confuse Tony, she wanted to reach through her chest and pull out the pieces of her heart that made her ache, she wanted so desperately to be whole again, and then wondered if she had ever really been whole.

He kissed her softly and let her go,

"I know Zee, me too" he sighed and moved away from the broken woman standing before him and flicked the emergency switch until the elevator came alive and opened to the car park.

"I'll be seeing you…" he left and she had never felt more alone.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Still don't own NCIS**

**I'm starting to wrap it up so the next chapter or so may be the final :) Let me know what you think of this chapter, and I thank you all so much for being patient and so positive! xo**

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><p>Eyes were becoming heavier and hearts sunk deeper, Ziva had momentarily fallen asleep until jolting up at the sound of the elevator, she looked up and saw McGee and Tony guiding a handcuffed man through to interrogation, she looked around and the bullpen was empty, she swore she had only been asleep for a minute. Ziva felt something heavy on her back and noticed the jacket of a man who smelled of woodchips and a vague scent of aftershave, "Gibbs" she thought to herself and stood up, she placed the jacket on Gibbs's desk and proceeded to head to observation.<p>

Tony walked out of interrogation and briefed Gibbs on the state of the man, before handing him a file and continued to walk toward observation before seeing an exhausted looking Israeli around the corner, he saw her take her phone out of her pocket and answer it.

Ziva saw his name flashing on her screen, she was hesitant to answer it, there was so much guilt, so much remorse, so much sorrow that she couldn't bare to hear him to speak her name. Without thinking she answered it:

"Hello Ray…..Yes …I know… I, I miss…I miss you to … No….I am still here…Perhaps tonight?...That's okay.. When will you be home?...Okay… I know…..I…. I…love you too?" She wanted to make everything seem normal, she wanted to explain everything to him in person, but Ray was far from home and how could she begin to explain her flashbacks, how could she even begin to explain falling into Tony's arms, when she couldn't even fathom the situation herself. She hadn't lied to him, she did miss him, she missed feeling uncomplicated, and she missed feeling human. The call eventually ended and Ziva let out a long sigh before looking up and seeing Tony staring at her he quickly shuffled and walked away, and there it was, that all too familiar feeling that made her heart crash through her chest and bleed with melancholy.

Tony wasn't the jealous kind, but there was something about Ray that crawled under his skin and made him itch, he didn't understand how or why Ziva was still with him, and after everything that had happened why she continued to lull him into a false sense of security. He didn't want to be angry, he wanted to understand, but he just couldn't so instead of taking the high road, he took the long, dark, bumpy road knowing that it was the wrong way, knowing that no one ever survived the darkness and even if they did, they were never quite the same.

He walked back and opened the door to observation

"_I love you too"_

He swallowed the mountain in his throat and took a step further before closing the door and ignoring the dark silhouette that stood before him. She was still wearing the same clothes; that same shirt which his hands had impatiently travelled under mere hours earlier, he wondered if he would ever touch her soft skin again. He hated Ray.

Ziva wondered how Tony could just stand there so effortlessly calm, she wanted to say something, anything to break the silence, but knew that silence was sometimes golden. She wondered how much of her conversation he had heard, and then convinced herself that this was Tony: confident-talks-too-much-Tony and if he wanted noise, he would make noise and if he were bothered he would _be _bothered.

"Do you think this is it?' she finally asked

"Don't worry, you'll be reunited with CIRay soon"

"That is not"

"Little bit of Miami Heat to keep you warm, little RAY of sunshine to light up your life" Tony had cut her off, he hated himself

"That is not what I meant"

"It's okay Ziva, I mean I understand"

"…You do?" Ziva was unsure what he understood exactly, but was intrigued nonetheless

"Yeah, I mean, long distance that's gotta be tough, and you're not havin so much fun by yourself, or are you?"

"Do not do this Tony,, do not, do not speak in these…riddles.."

"Fine" he feigned a smile and left observation, feeling his heart sink in his chest.

She overheard the man in interrogation confess the murder to Gibbs, and made her way to the bullpen

* * *

><p>"Go home, get some shuteye, I'll see you tomorrow" Gibbs entered the bullpen not blinking an eye; Tony and Ziva exchanged looks both unsure of its hidden meaning, Ziva gathered her bag not breaking her gaze.<p>

"I'll see you guys…tomorrow?" McGee said awkwardly as he stood between their desks

"See you tomorrow McGoo"

"Good Bye McGee" Ziva said as she stood, Tony's eyes remained on her, her eyes remained on him.

They both entered the elevator, alone, remembering what had happened last time they were in this confined space, the tension was evident, the anger was clear and the exhaustion was obvious. Ziva pressed the emergency switch nearly immediately, before Tony switched it again, he did not want to talk or listen or even breathe.

"I can't keep doing this" he mumbled, unable to look at her

As she exited the elevator toward the car park, she turned to Tony

"I miss Ray, I love him…he makes me feel… like a normal human being…. When Ray is here I do not think of Somalia, or how I hurt and.."

Tony's eyes were wide and mouth was half opened in shock

"That's a really uplifting story Zee, I'm happy for you"

"AND he lets me finish my sentences…"

"What do you want from me Ziva? What do you want me to say? I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry that these things have happened to you, I am… I'm here for you okay, but these things you're feeling, they're nothing, you're just lonely"

"….Lonely?"

"We all are… But, I can't be this person with you; I can't be roped into this with you. You said so yourself, this is no good."

Ziva was afraid to speak, he was right, and she hated that he had used her words against her.

"You need to stop looking at me, Ziva.. We need to stop this, go home, call Ray…Be human" He looked at her in the glistening light of the moon

"I just…"

"No, okay Ziva.. I can't, I don't want to look at you anymore. This is too much now, okay, it's enough… What you're doing… is hurting me"

"You don't think that this hurts me Tony? What about me? I have responsibilities Tony!" She began to cry but remained persistent "I have loyalty to a man who is always absent! Do you know what that is like? Do you know how that feels? Ray makes me feel human, yes! He does not consume my thoughts or drive me crazy.. I would give ANYTHING to not want you the way I do. I have responsibilities Tony, I do not want to be looking at you." She tried to fight the tears, but it was too late, Tony watched her in shock unable to distinguish one emotion from the other.

"What do you want Ziva?" He tried to compose himself "What do you want? You have to answer me, you can't do this…" He didn't realize that his arms had wrapped around her and anything she said was muffled into his jacket, he let go of her.

"What do you want?" He repeated while holding her shoulders

Ziva cried and cried, she was still rebuilding herself and like pulling one thread, the rest of her came undone. He held her still as she fell apart, and continued to hold her as the rain started to fall, he held her as the thunder rolled in and as the lightning struck. It was rather poetic, that when you love someone, their pain seeps through to you and whether you like it or not you find yourself standing in the rain unable to move, defying all logic that this would be so much simpler if you just walked the 5metres to the sheltered vehicle, but there you stood; completely broken, illogical and so in love you can't stand it.

A light distracted them, as they focused their eyes they saw a car with a man in the drivers seat watching them in disbelief.


End file.
